The Dreidel Players
GLORIA – passionate, maternal, and a fan of matching T-shirts; Gloria has formed this unlikely quartet to fulfill a mission: to create an enduring Hanukkah classic, meaningful and entertaining and totally affordable for local JCCs…in only eight days.
BARBARA – a grand dame of the community theatre—and also Gloria’s real estate agent; she has sacrificed her eleven-year run in A Christmas Carol to be part of Gloria’s dream, though she soon grows skeptical of their ability to pull it off.
WALTER – a self-doubting, self-published novelist – and also Gloria’s dentist; he is “cutting his teeth” as a playwright with his script for the Best Hanukkah Show Ever, which quickly reveals itself to be an unstageable, hours-long epic.
SIMON – Gloria’s friend’s nephew – and the only one to respond to her Facebook casting call; he brings an innocent, open-minded energy to the endeavor. Not Jewish.
The Company
HEAD RABBI – the leader of a trio of rabbis, in an indeterminate time and place.
RABBI #2 – another rabbi.
RABBI #3 – another rabbi, also.
J. P. MASON – a marketing and branding guru hired to “zhuzh” Judaism’s image with a hip, new holiday called “Hanukkah.”
CANDY – a colorful, cheerfully naive anthropomorphized candle, bursting with delight at the prospect of fulfilling a Hanukkah destiny.
SPARKY – like Candy, but a different bright color.
FLICKER – like Sparky, but with a different name.
WICKHAM – like Flicker, but you get it, right?
PAUL – not at all like the other candles; Paul is grizzled and bent, for he’s “seen what’s out there” and tries to warn of what awaits in the menorah’s fateful grasp.
MUFFY – one half of Beaumont & Worthington, the “A-number-one” songwriting duo on the 1940s country club social circuit.
WINTHROP – her equally WASP-y partner in rhyme.
LOU – Tin Pan Alley music producer who hires Beaumont & Worthington to compose what his Christmas-classics-crafting crew of Jewish songwriters has never achieved: a certified Hanukkah hit.
RADIO ANNOUNCER – an old-timey announcer, from oldy times. (Can be an offstage character.)
MODERATOR – the host of The Schvitz National Spelling Bee. Cool, calm, and in control of the final round. (Can be an offstage character.)
CONTESTANT #472 – a contestant who must spell “dodecahedron.”
CONTESTANT #293 – must spell “ophthalmologist.”
CONTESTANT #18 – must spell…you’ll never guess!
ELEAZAR – one of the Maccabee brothers who liberated Judea from tyranny and now cohosts the most popular property makeover show in the ancient world.
YONATAN – Eleazar’s brother and wise-cracking sidekick.
MONICA – the frazzled executive director of Jerusalem’s Holy Temple, which is in dire need of a major renovation and rededication.
LISA – an intern with a tool belt and a predicament.
SUZIE – a young girl, excited to open her Hanukkah gifts.
NARRATOR – announcer pitching the toy figures of the “Hanukkah Heroes Action Set” that Suzie’s about to unbox. (Can be an offstage character.)
JUDAH MACCABEE – our first in a series of action figures who come to life onstage.
KING ANTIOCHUS – an action figure: the bad guy.
HIGH PRIEST MENELAUS – an action figure: a lesser-known, sorta-bad guy.
FLAVIUS JOSPEHUS – an action figure: Roman-Jewish historian of
the first century, CE.
REBECCA GREENBLATT – an action figure: PhD candidate in Jewish Studies at the University of California at Riverside.
BILLIE – ESPN-style, play-by-play host broadcasting live from the Big Top Ballroom in Las Vegas.
LONNY – Billie’s color-commentating partner and seventeen-time Dreidel World Champ.
JANIE, AKA “THE SAUCE” – the first of the three dreidelers to make the final table.
HOWIE, AKA “DR. DREIDEL” – our second spinmeister; also a board-certified podiatrist with three convenient office locations.
THE KID – winner of the Junior Macher Invitational and our third finalist. (May be portrayed by an actual kid.)
THE REF – a silent but decisive role.
ANNOUNCER – a soothing, Academy Awards–style voice of God. (Ideally, an offstage character or recording.)
TOPHER – angry cohost of the obnoxious cable news show Real America.
KATHLEEN – infuriated cohost of Real America.
GREGOR – outraged cohost of Real America.
ROXY – indignant on-air reporter for Real America.
BARISTA – an unsuspecting barista.
JOEL – an unsuspecting office Hanukkah party guest.